Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
