Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
