so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
