So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
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