Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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