I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Randomize