i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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