her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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