Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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