I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
