mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
