she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
