I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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