the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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