mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
