Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Randomize
