Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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