Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
