dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
This is the high leading the old right now
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
