i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Randomize
