when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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