Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
