Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
even my farts smell like vagina
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
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