You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
