i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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