Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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