You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
