Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
That's how pantless uber rides happen
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
