I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
