That reminds me...we need to get swords
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
