You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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