the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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