UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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