if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
