Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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