why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
