talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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