end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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