The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
