mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
