He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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