I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
