why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
