just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Randomize
