Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
