He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
