I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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