i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
