WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
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