I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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