please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
