did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
