In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
even my farts smell like vagina
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
