I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize