I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Randomize
