we have officially lost it.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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