How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
