How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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