I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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