I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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