Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Randomize
