WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
